i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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