i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
