I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
