Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
