Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
