hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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