i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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