Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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