I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize