This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
