I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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