I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
