I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
