I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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