I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
