omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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