Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
