I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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