I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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