He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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