I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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