I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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