Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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