i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
