so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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