The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
