Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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