He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
