Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
