He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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