is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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