She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
