I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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