Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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