I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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