I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
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