thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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