I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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