i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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