And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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