Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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