my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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