What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
