I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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