Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
