Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
