My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
