it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
