matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
