i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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