Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize