I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
