I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
