Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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