Pregnant stripper...not hot.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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