please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
