I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Randomize
