New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
