Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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