I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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