He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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