4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
